So
I had a morning of masturbation to complete. “Cum twice before noon, and then
not again.” (Cum or come? Like grey and gray, I always have trouble choosing a
spelling. I definitely prefer come to cum,
which is somehow gross and uncivilized, but if you use come, occasionally you
have to worry about forcing the reader to go back and reread, as they may have
misunderstood your meaning the first time. I’m just going to continue going
back and forth, using the better option when there is little question of it
being a problem and the ugly spelling when the need arises. Any English
teachers present can shut up or fuck off.) There are a couple of different
settings in my maturbatory practices. I usually either go old school
minimalist, or all out overboard. That’s not to say I don’t play around in the
middle occasionally – one simple dildo or leave the panties on just for the
hell of it scenarios, if I’m mostly getting off because I’m bored. (Sometimes I
have an assignment that makes specific requirements like that too, but not
often.) But otherwise, I’m generally just going fingers to pussy because I have
a serious need to get off, or I’m setting out an impressive array of toys and
lubes and settling into the long game, because I’m unemployed and can get away
with shit like that. This day however, I had the luxury of being able to break
it up into two events, so I decided to do both.
Heading
into the long game first would have been deliciously difficult, as I had
already been spun up so efficiently that morning, and it would have been in
keeping with the atmosphere of tantalization my husband had been cultivating.
Of course, I don’t have that kind of self-control. So straight back to bed I
went, to tumble myself in the sheets that still smelled like the man who’d just
left me in this condition. I wasn’t going for your standard fingertip circle,
though. I wasn’t even going for the combination fingering of clit and pussy and
ass, though I like that the same way I like having a playlist on shuffle, where
you know what the options are, and they’re all good, but you don’t know which is
coming next until you get there. Today I was headed straight for The Nina
Hartley. Do you already know and love Nina Hartley? She’s such a wonderful
badass, provided you don’t get freaked out by the whole Mary Jo Buttafucco
thing. What I like to call The Nina Hartley, is one of the methods that she
demonstrates for getting a woman off. It involves a full handed grab of the
vulva, a rhythmic pulling of labia and/or clit, that essentially results in
jerking off a woman the same way you might jerk off a man. The first time I saw
her do the basic technique, I thought to myself, “Well of course. We all do that!” But then I realized I was wrong. Yes, I
certainly incorporated the idea when I played with my pussy, but as I watched
the video it dawned on me that I had never seen it all the way through (the
technique, not the video). All this time I’d been using the method to open a
door, standing on the threshold, and then backing away and climbing out through
a window. Spectacularly short-sighted. Oh, and what fun to discover a new way
to pleasure this same body that I’ve been pleasuring my whole life! It’s been
among my favorite solo activities, ever since. (The Nina Hartley, for your viewing pleasure.) So Orgasm the First
came to pass through the grip of my fingers on the folds of my pussy, with the
sound of how wet I was as better evidence of it than the wetness itself, which
even still was enough to leak out onto my hand, despite the fact that I was
virtually holding myself closed. Bliss.
I’m
honestly not sure what I did with the in-between time. I took and sent my
obligatory picture, then I likely started a load of laundry, maybe even swept,
but sooner or later I always end up at my computer, which means I was either
staring at drafts of poems and doing nothing with them (I’m mostly down to the
unfixable ones), or I was translating the journal form of Laundry and Blow Jobs
to this, its postable incarnation. Either way, I almost certainly ended up on
reddit, because the next thing I remember is looking up to discover that it was
already eleven o’clock. Whoops. I got out my favorite pink toy, about which you
have already read, and then my green Lelo vibrator and my purple We-Vibe and a
bottle of the good lube (I like the white, lotion kind that looks like come).
(It’s possible that cum should be the noun and come the verb, but I’m going to
pass on the over-analytic grammar geek-out, for the time being.) I almost
tapped the Sasi vibe, because it’s essentially the previously discussed
customized playlist on shuffle, but frankly it’s not that great a toy and it
has no penetrative properties. After spending my first orgasm without that,
there was no way I was going to deprive myself of it again. I started with the
Lelo just externally, you know, just to get the pussy warm. Just to get the pussy warm... Hmm,
there’s a poem somewhere in that, I think. Anyway, having kept everything so
contained earlier in the day, I was still fairly wet internally. The thing is
though, unnecessary though it may have been, I had lube at the ready.
Understand that when it comes to lube and masturbation, I don’t believe in
moderation. The lotion/come kind that I like is brutally expensive (I buy Pink,
not Liquid Silk because Liquid Silk tastes like battery acid), and I couldn’t
possibly care less. If I’m playing with lube, I’m overdoing it. I like to feel
it fall all over my pussy and then hold still and let it run down to my ass.
This was especially conducive to the day in question because I own both the
vibrators I had selected for the occasion (the Lelo and the We-Vibe),
specifically for use not-as-recommended. They are both designed to stimulate
your clit and your quim at once (not to mention a male partner’s cock, in the
case of the We-Vibe), but I can only do that for a very short period before it
makes me come. I can toss in a thrust or two like that while I’m on shuffle,
but if I keep it up the orgasm is there and over far too quickly for my taste.
No, I own those two vibrators because you’d be surprised at how hard it is to
find one that’s designed for double penetration. I don’t know why that’s true –
maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places – but you’d think that kind of thing
would be standard in 2013, and it’s not.
So I played my lube raining game,
followed by the slow, exploratory spreading-of-the-slippery with full fingers
and open palm, and then returned to my little green friend. There’s one setting
that I particularly like, with three subsequent levels of rising speed,
followed by a pulse that drops you off the edge of a cliff every time it ends
and starts over again. I found that, even with lube all over both my hands, and
used-as-directed for as long as I could without touching the brink of orgasm,
and then I flipped it over. That’s the luxury of the thing: You can flip it
over. Most vibrators that have a clit stimulation feature have such an
unnecessarily complex clit stimulation feature, that you’d never want to put it
in your ass. Not so with this one. So now I had one side in my pussy and the
other in my ass, and they were both on that setting that climbs and climbs and
climbs and throbs until you’re almost there, and then drops you with a gasp and
starts again. Even without anything touching my clit at all, that wasn’t going
to take long, if I kept up the motion of penetration and withdrawal, pushing in
and pulling out, introduction and separation… I was definitely walking up to
the edge, and I was only going to get to jump off once before I’d have to wait
for the evening to come. Before I got to the point of no return, I traded green
for purple. It was obvious by now that I was never going to get to the pink
toy, but at least with sex toys, it’s always better to have and not need than
to need and not have. Just for kicks, I started with the factory intended
placement, but the time available for such activities had grown narrow indeed,
so as with the other toy, I flipped it around. With both heads inserted, one in
the pussy and the other in the ass, the device no longer receives the signal to
change settings (design flaw!), but in a way this was part of my plan. Time was
short – both for my ability to hold off climax and for the expiration of my
tasked assignment – so a steady setting that was both stimulating and also a
holding pattern wasn’t a bad idea. I left myself there, hands free (oh, that’s
another fun way to make myself come sometimes, when I can pull it off!), with a
doubly penetrating buzz going, while I tried to catch my breath and let the
incipient orgasm back a couple of steps away. It did, but even though I kept my
hands thrown over my head, it wasn’t long before I was starting the slow motion
writhe and twist that was going to get me there anyway. My id was not going to
obey. So, as I’ve been doing with so many things of late, I embraced instead of
fighting. The eventual climax that would come from doing nothing wasn’t going
to compare with the extended fireworks I could get from taking immediate action,
so like any sane person I opted for the grand finale. I shifted my position so
that the motion of my involuntary squirming would have direct consequences on
the toy still humming inside me twice at the same time, and I brought back the
other vibrator, as well. I slipped the whole thing – big head and small,
between my labia, but keeping it external so that I could slide it over every
available trace of my flesh –every lick of snatch, if you will. I rubbed and
slid it over the full breadth of my pussy, from the edge of my ass to the prow
of my clit, and when I came, since no one
was home because it was the middle of the day which I could manage because I
have NO JOB, I didn’t have to stifle my cries or bite the side of my hand
or bury my face in a pillow.
All I had to do (once the trembling
had subsided), was send another picture – which I did, and begin the measured
patience of Waiting – which now you must, too.
(You didn't really think I was going to put The Divinals here, did you?)
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